Im Sorry

As I reflect back on the past year and look forward to a new one, my heart is heavy and my spirit is burdened… A few days ago, I sat alone in silence off on a cloud drifting through eternity (seems I found portal of sorts for those of you who may know what I am referring to. For the rest of you… well we’ll just carry on with the story shall we?) In the midst of silence, He spoke… He spoke and asked me one question: if you could do one thing over, what would it be? My spirit grew silent… Aside from all the broken fasts, off color remarks and failed quiet times… the one thing I would do over is relationships…

A heavier weight came upon me and lingered. As every second passed, my spirit grew heavier and my heart broke faster.

Why relationships?... He asked…

I’ve made a mess of things haven’t I? *nod*

I was then taken to a room where a group of close friends where hanging out. After some time, I noticed a guy sitting in the corner listening to us talk. Upon seeing that we had now all noticed him, he introduced himself to the group. Soon we started to do some encouragement amongst the small circle of friends present. Every time I had a word or encouragement of sorts, immediately after giving it, said guy would interject with his own word of encouragement. I remember feeling rather inadequate ministering on the same team as him. The longer we ministered, the more I grew in distaste for him. Bitterness quickly took root. Always one-upping me (what it felt like). Envy grew. Everything he did seemed to glorify him in one way or another… and how inadequate I felt indeed.

I noticed Jesus standing in the corner of the room, observing us. I quickly ran over to him and asked him to get rid of that guy… stating that he was bad fruit… Jesus looked at me and then back in the direction of the group, motioning me to do the same. When I looked over, I saw the same guy standing in front of me… except this time he was different… you see I hadn’t noticed before, but the whole time he was there with us… there appeared to be a fog or mist around his face. As the fog lifted, my heart sank… I knew this kid… He was me.

The room grew dim… dismayed, I stood speechless... Then He spoke, “This is what others see, what others feel, what others know of you… instead of leading them to an encounter with me, they are left with bitterness towards you. The ministry of a prophet solely rests on the cross… every word spoken should lead the listener into a deeper understanding of my heart… Yet this is not the case here. You have missed your mark son.”

I don’t know exactly what was going on in my heart at that moment. With every word spoken, a deeper cut was made. I didn’t want to hear it… yet I was still.

Where my gifting and calling was intended to be used for encouragement to the body, ultimately, it was selfishly used to edify myself… Instead of glorifying the father, I glorified myself in a splendid display of spiritual masochism. The fruit produced from it was filled with fruits of envy, comparison and orphaned spirits amongst those who were caught in my downward spiral to humility.

The callings and gifting of God are irrevocable… It is up to us to decide how we will steward such precious things.

Needles to say, He dealt with me. He dealt with the bitterness I held on to. He dealt with the unforgiveness that I protected within the confines of my heart…

I have met a lot of people within the past three years. I have even met others, through His grace alone, I’m privileged enough to call friends. But for the most part, I know there is a chunk of people I’ve wounded… So if you are one of the ones that identify with any of this… I would like to apologize. I wrestled much with the idea of tracking you all down to have a cup of coffee with, mainly to formally apologize... However, He was pretty clear on the aspect of a public act of humility, admitting a fault and repenting for my many selfish motives. Seeing as we all belong to different churches, the best and most public of places would be over facebook (in my opinion).

I am truly sorry. Know that I do not expect you to forgive me, nor do I expect you to even like me… just know that I am being dealt with. So if I could do one thing over, what would it be? I would do relationships over… Thank you lord for mercy… Thank you for humbling me. Thank you for grace.

- phillip