As I reflect back on the past year and look forward to a new one, my heart is heavy and my spirit is burdened… A few days ago, I sat alone in silence off on a cloud drifting through eternity (seems I found portal of sorts for those of you who may know what I am referring to. For the rest of you… well we’ll just carry on with the story shall we?) In the midst of silence, He spoke… He spoke and asked me one question: if you could do one thing over, what would it be? My spirit grew silent… Aside from all the broken fasts, off color remarks and failed quiet times… the one thing I would do over is relationships…
A heavier weight came upon me and lingered. As every second passed, my spirit grew heavier and my heart broke faster.
Why relationships?... He asked…
I’ve made a mess of things haven’t I? *nod*
I was then taken to a room where a group of close friends where hanging out. After some time, I noticed a guy sitting in the corner listening to us talk. Upon seeing that we had now all noticed him, he introduced himself to the group. Soon we started to do some encouragement amongst the small circle of friends present. Every time I had a word or encouragement of sorts, immediately after giving it, said guy would interject with his own word of encouragement. I remember feeling rather inadequate ministering on the same team as him. The longer we ministered, the more I grew in distaste for him. Bitterness quickly took root. Always one-upping me (what it felt like). Envy grew. Everything he did seemed to glorify him in one way or another… and how inadequate I felt indeed.
I noticed Jesus standing in the corner of the room, observing us. I quickly ran over to him and asked him to get rid of that guy… stating that he was bad fruit… Jesus looked at me and then back in the direction of the group, motioning me to do the same. When I looked over, I saw the same guy standing in front of me… except this time he was different… you see I hadn’t noticed before, but the whole time he was there with us… there appeared to be a fog or mist around his face. As the fog lifted, my heart sank… I knew this kid… He was me.
The room grew dim… dismayed, I stood speechless... Then He spoke, “This is what others see, what others feel, what others know of you… instead of leading them to an encounter with me, they are left with bitterness towards you. The ministry of a prophet solely rests on the cross… every word spoken should lead the listener into a deeper understanding of my heart… Yet this is not the case here. You have missed your mark son.”
I don’t know exactly what was going on in my heart at that moment. With every word spoken, a deeper cut was made. I didn’t want to hear it… yet I was still.
Where my gifting and calling was intended to be used for encouragement to the body, ultimately, it was selfishly used to edify myself… Instead of glorifying the father, I glorified myself in a splendid display of spiritual masochism. The fruit produced from it was filled with fruits of envy, comparison and orphaned spirits amongst those who were caught in my downward spiral to humility.
The callings and gifting of God are irrevocable… It is up to us to decide how we will steward such precious things.
Needles to say, He dealt with me. He dealt with the bitterness I held on to. He dealt with the unforgiveness that I protected within the confines of my heart…
I have met a lot of people within the past three years. I have even met others, through His grace alone, I’m privileged enough to call friends. But for the most part, I know there is a chunk of people I’ve wounded… So if you are one of the ones that identify with any of this… I would like to apologize. I wrestled much with the idea of tracking you all down to have a cup of coffee with, mainly to formally apologize... However, He was pretty clear on the aspect of a public act of humility, admitting a fault and repenting for my many selfish motives. Seeing as we all belong to different churches, the best and most public of places would be over facebook (in my opinion).
I am truly sorry. Know that I do not expect you to forgive me, nor do I expect you to even like me… just know that I am being dealt with. So if I could do one thing over, what would it be? I would do relationships over… Thank you lord for mercy… Thank you for humbling me. Thank you for grace.
- phillip
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
"Creed" & "Chance" by Steve Turner
"Creed"
We believe in Marxfreudanddarwin
We believe everything is OK
as long as you don't hurt anyone,
to the best of your definition of hurt,
and to the best of your knowledge.
We believe in sex before, during, and after marriage.
We believe in the therapy of sin.
We believe that adultery is fun.
We believe that sodomy is OK.
We believe that taboos are taboo.
We believe that everything is getting better
despite evidence to the contrary.
The evidence must be investigated
And you can prove anything with evidence.
We believe there's something in
horoscopes, UFO's and bent spoons;
Jesus was a good man
just like Buddha, Mohammed, and ourselves.
He was a good moral teacher
although we think His good morals were bad.
We believe that all religions are basically the same--
at least the one that we read was.
They all believe in love and goodness.
They only differ on matters of
creation, sin, heaven, hell, God, and salvation.
We believe that after death comes the Nothing
Because when you ask the dead what happens they say nothing.
If death is not the end, if the dead have lied,
then it's compulsory heaven for all
excepting perhaps Hitler, Stalin, and Genghis Khan.
We believe in Masters and Johnson.
What's selected is average.
What's average is normal.
What's normal is good.
We believe in total disarmament.
We believe there are direct links between warfare and bloodshed.
Americans should beat their guns into tractors
and the Russians would be sure to follow.
We believe that man is essentially good.
It's only his behavior that lets him down.
This is the fault of society.
Society is the fault of conditions.
Conditions are the fault of society.
We believe that each man must find the truth that is right for him.
Reality will adapt accordingly.
The universe will readjust.
History will alter.
We believe that there is no absolute truth
excepting the truth that there is no absolute truth.
We believe in the rejection of creeds,
and the flowering of individual thought.
"Chance" a post-script
If chance be the Father of all flesh,
disaster is his rainbow in the sky,
and when you hear
State of Emergency!
Sniper Kills Ten!
Troops on Rampage!
Whites go Looting!
Bomb Blasts School!
It is but the sound of man worshiping his maker.
We believe in Marxfreudanddarwin
We believe everything is OK
as long as you don't hurt anyone,
to the best of your definition of hurt,
and to the best of your knowledge.
We believe in sex before, during, and after marriage.
We believe in the therapy of sin.
We believe that adultery is fun.
We believe that sodomy is OK.
We believe that taboos are taboo.
We believe that everything is getting better
despite evidence to the contrary.
The evidence must be investigated
And you can prove anything with evidence.
We believe there's something in
horoscopes, UFO's and bent spoons;
Jesus was a good man
just like Buddha, Mohammed, and ourselves.
He was a good moral teacher
although we think His good morals were bad.
We believe that all religions are basically the same--
at least the one that we read was.
They all believe in love and goodness.
They only differ on matters of
creation, sin, heaven, hell, God, and salvation.
We believe that after death comes the Nothing
Because when you ask the dead what happens they say nothing.
If death is not the end, if the dead have lied,
then it's compulsory heaven for all
excepting perhaps Hitler, Stalin, and Genghis Khan.
We believe in Masters and Johnson.
What's selected is average.
What's average is normal.
What's normal is good.
We believe in total disarmament.
We believe there are direct links between warfare and bloodshed.
Americans should beat their guns into tractors
and the Russians would be sure to follow.
We believe that man is essentially good.
It's only his behavior that lets him down.
This is the fault of society.
Society is the fault of conditions.
Conditions are the fault of society.
We believe that each man must find the truth that is right for him.
Reality will adapt accordingly.
The universe will readjust.
History will alter.
We believe that there is no absolute truth
excepting the truth that there is no absolute truth.
We believe in the rejection of creeds,
and the flowering of individual thought.
"Chance" a post-script
If chance be the Father of all flesh,
disaster is his rainbow in the sky,
and when you hear
State of Emergency!
Sniper Kills Ten!
Troops on Rampage!
Whites go Looting!
Bomb Blasts School!
It is but the sound of man worshiping his maker.
Friday, April 22, 2011
desperation
"i refuse to give a partial sacrifice. if i give to you my love, i must also give my life."
- Kate Hurley
If I give to you my love, I must also give my life… the significance of this statement is beyond my capacity to understand; it is beyond my capacity to give. Sometimes I just want to run away from Him. So many think I have it together. The thought of running back into the world is a constant thorn in my flesh. I fucking hate it. So many want a piece, so many thirst, but few are willing to give it up their stake in the world.
How far will I go? How hard will I push? Just one glimpse, just one taste, just one crumb from His table is all I need. Lord help me.
I’m tired of not hearing your voice. This desperation has overtaken my longing. I can’t even function anymore. I’m like a crack head in need of another fix. I need you. I refuse to give a partial sacrifice. If I give to you my love, I must also give my life.
- Kate Hurley
If I give to you my love, I must also give my life… the significance of this statement is beyond my capacity to understand; it is beyond my capacity to give. Sometimes I just want to run away from Him. So many think I have it together. The thought of running back into the world is a constant thorn in my flesh. I fucking hate it. So many want a piece, so many thirst, but few are willing to give it up their stake in the world.
How far will I go? How hard will I push? Just one glimpse, just one taste, just one crumb from His table is all I need. Lord help me.
I’m tired of not hearing your voice. This desperation has overtaken my longing. I can’t even function anymore. I’m like a crack head in need of another fix. I need you. I refuse to give a partial sacrifice. If I give to you my love, I must also give my life.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
The Significance of Worship and Dance
A few days ago, I was watching a worship vid on youtube. In the video I noticed that there where two little girls dancing on stage with the band. One looked about 8 and the other was probably around 9 or 10 years of age. While watching them dance I couldn’t help but laugh. Soon enough I was overcome by feelings of ecstasy and joy. I asked God what this was and His answer rocked me.
“This feeling you feel is a glimpse of my heart when I see my kids dance before me…”
Captivated by this, I asked Him what the importance was behind dancing. His answer blew me away.
“When my kids are in a state of worship, they are free. As heaven collides with the worshiper, the Kingdom of Light collides with the Kingdoms of Darkness. Whatever chain, addiction, stronghold, and lie a person is afflicted by is broken off at the exact point of contact.”
“Secondly, particularly in the western world, people often enter into the Place of Worship with a heart of insecurity and fear. It often becomes a struggle for most to overcome the thoughts of judgment that plague their thoughts.”
At that exact point I became aware of just how often I would enter into the place of worship with a heart of insecurity. Entertaining false judgment while I am standing before my Creator… Just as Adam and Eve who hid from God, motivated by a heart of fear and insecurity, so is the condition of my heart while I stand before my Father.
“When one dances in worship, they have in most instances broken through the final mental barrier of false judgment. Much like David and his undignified worship, my children encounter freedom and joy. You see beloved when worship and dance intertwine, for that brief moment, they are as they where meant to be from the beginning… Free. I take delight in my children’s worship because of this very reason. You see though I love to be exalted and praised, the feeling of seeing my kids made whole rocks me even more.”
“This feeling you feel is a glimpse of my heart when I see my kids dance before me…”
Captivated by this, I asked Him what the importance was behind dancing. His answer blew me away.
“When my kids are in a state of worship, they are free. As heaven collides with the worshiper, the Kingdom of Light collides with the Kingdoms of Darkness. Whatever chain, addiction, stronghold, and lie a person is afflicted by is broken off at the exact point of contact.”
“Secondly, particularly in the western world, people often enter into the Place of Worship with a heart of insecurity and fear. It often becomes a struggle for most to overcome the thoughts of judgment that plague their thoughts.”
At that exact point I became aware of just how often I would enter into the place of worship with a heart of insecurity. Entertaining false judgment while I am standing before my Creator… Just as Adam and Eve who hid from God, motivated by a heart of fear and insecurity, so is the condition of my heart while I stand before my Father.
“When one dances in worship, they have in most instances broken through the final mental barrier of false judgment. Much like David and his undignified worship, my children encounter freedom and joy. You see beloved when worship and dance intertwine, for that brief moment, they are as they where meant to be from the beginning… Free. I take delight in my children’s worship because of this very reason. You see though I love to be exalted and praised, the feeling of seeing my kids made whole rocks me even more.”
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Home
My soul yearns even faints for the love of a Father who won't leave, cause He yearns even faints for the love of a child like me. And He calls me His son, and He shakes my young soul. To his home I will run; yes His home is my goal. Cause it's better that way, life's a burden alone. Just give me one day in my Fathers warm home...... i am dancing into His home; i can't help but swing wide these doors.
This has to be by far one of my most favorite worship songs to play. Even on stage, i can't even get through half of it without losing it. It's a real struggle at times to even get the words out. For as long as i could remember this was the cry of my heart. Unlike most kids, i grew up without a dad. i never knew what it was to be chased around the house, tickled till i turned blue in the face. i never knew what it was to feel the warm embrace of a father. i never knew what it was to have a male figure in my life that i could look up to.
i remember as a kid going to places with my friends and their families. Oh how i jealously longed for the love of a father. Seeing their dad's love for them killed me inside; made me sick to the core. How angry i was at God. i locked Him out of my heart for good(at least i thought i did).
It wasn't till recently that i was playing this song alone in my room. Half way through the chorus, i began to tremble. The words grew heavier and heavier as my mouth could no longer push them out. i shortly realized that i was on the floor laughing. i thought surely I've gone mad but this was different. This love, this peace, this joy began to fill the room. Before i knew it i was drowning in it. this joy began to burst its way into the deepest parts of who i was.
Never have i experienced the freedom i did in that exact moment. i received a glimpse of paradise. He bathed me in light. He restored my broken smile. For once, i experienced the love of a Father. For my soul yearns even faints for the love of a Father who won't leave, cause He yearns even faints for the love of a child like me. And you wanna know what He told me?? That i was His child in whom He was well pleased in. That from that day on, I'd be forever dancing in His house. And for once I knew... I knew what it meant to be loved by a father; by my Father...
This has to be by far one of my most favorite worship songs to play. Even on stage, i can't even get through half of it without losing it. It's a real struggle at times to even get the words out. For as long as i could remember this was the cry of my heart. Unlike most kids, i grew up without a dad. i never knew what it was to be chased around the house, tickled till i turned blue in the face. i never knew what it was to feel the warm embrace of a father. i never knew what it was to have a male figure in my life that i could look up to.
i remember as a kid going to places with my friends and their families. Oh how i jealously longed for the love of a father. Seeing their dad's love for them killed me inside; made me sick to the core. How angry i was at God. i locked Him out of my heart for good(at least i thought i did).
It wasn't till recently that i was playing this song alone in my room. Half way through the chorus, i began to tremble. The words grew heavier and heavier as my mouth could no longer push them out. i shortly realized that i was on the floor laughing. i thought surely I've gone mad but this was different. This love, this peace, this joy began to fill the room. Before i knew it i was drowning in it. this joy began to burst its way into the deepest parts of who i was.
Never have i experienced the freedom i did in that exact moment. i received a glimpse of paradise. He bathed me in light. He restored my broken smile. For once, i experienced the love of a Father. For my soul yearns even faints for the love of a Father who won't leave, cause He yearns even faints for the love of a child like me. And you wanna know what He told me?? That i was His child in whom He was well pleased in. That from that day on, I'd be forever dancing in His house. And for once I knew... I knew what it meant to be loved by a father; by my Father...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
